Summer-Mae Vacher

Summer-Mae Vacher
was born and died on the 30th september 2007 at 9pm
at st Marys hospital in Portsmouth
to her loving mummy and daddy Kayleigh and Dan.
Summer-Mae was diagnosed with anephacoly spina bifida and was not compatible with life so grew her wings shortly after.



me and my fiance found out we where having a baby it was a huge shock but we where both soo happy we went round telling everyone not even thinking that we might misscarry but in january at 3 months pregnant i had a misscarriage, we were both devastated but dan was brilliant and stuck by my side threw it all even the icky bits at the hospital, my mum came to even at 18 you need your mum soo bad to hold your hand . after a month or so we decided we still despratly wanted children especially me it left me feeling like a part of me was missing so we started trying 3 months later i fell pregnant for the second time i was so paranoid for the first 3 months something might go wrong i didnt lift anything i took everything really easy but hey someone up there dont like us. so everything was going fine got to my 5 month scan should have been 4 months but the hospital took forever me,dan and my mum go in excited dan wanting a little boy me a girl but both would be happy with either as long as he/she was healthy but there was our problem the lady scanned over my belly pointing out babys arms,face,heartbeat etc then she turned the screen away me and dan where smiling away at each other in our eyes we had seen the heart beat so everything was fine. the lady said im just going to get my collegue to check this by then we where starting to worry but both trying not to show it her collegue came in and conferemed there seems to be a problem with your baby it has spinal bifida tears started to roll down my face but i was still under the impression baby was going to be ok because i work in a special need nursery with spinal bifida kids and they are fantastic but as i told dan its not that bad she/he going to be ok arent they the lady just went quiet. minutes later a diffrent lady came into the room she was the berevment councillor she took us to a quiet room and offered us a cup of tea which i have to say didnt impress me very much i asked my mum why are they acting like he/she is already dead we saw her heartbeat my mum didnt have the answers she was just as confused as me, the berevement councillor asked if i wanted her to leave the room i said yeah cause she was doing my head in talking in that im so sorry voice and keep offering me tea! once she left millions of questions filled my head but me,dan and my mum sat in silence all of us shocked. about 10 minutes later a doctor came in to exsplain the condition he told us your baby has Anencephaly spinal bifida this condition is not compatible with life i refused to belive him saying theres children at nursery with spinal bifida the doctor went on to exsplain our summer wouldnt be the same she would have no quality of life she wouldnt walk ,talk ,feel she never be able to take a bottle of me and proberly wouldnt live past 3 months i kept on with the questions what if you?can she ?cant we? but all the answers the doctor gave werent the ones i wanted to here he told us from the eyebrows up theres nothing there i asked cant you give her someone elses brain etc sounds stupid now but i was desprate to get a way to keep her but none came by now dan had tears to and my mum. the doctor gave me to choices i could carry full term with the baby give birth normally but the baby would die in no more than days and would be suffering for those few days or i could have a medical termination but it ment still giving birth to her but it ment she would have no suffering. i couldnt give the doctor an answer i was still deprate to find that one survivior who proves the doctors wrong so my baby could live the doctor gave me a week to go away and think about it, once i got home i told dan it was ok i was going to find someone to prove them wrong doctors always get it wrong i said but as the week ended and with everyones help no one had found the answers we wanted so me and dan decided althought we wasnt going to be parents for long as parents the best thing for baby was to stop her suffering so a few days later i back at the hospital talking to more berevement councillors dan and my mum by my side talking about after babys birth if we wanted to hold baby have photos i new straight away i wanted to hold baby couldnt have my little girl going with out a hug,dan was still undecided at this point its so much harder for a man to show hes emotions, we decided we wanted close family to come and see baby so she got to meet her grandparents. then came the tablets lol i cant take tablets at the best of times but with being upset already there was no chance i was going to be able to keep them down after about 50 attempts the nurses who where fantastic that day said go get some lunch give your self abit of time to calm down and then come back so we went and got a kentucky and then went back up when we got there the nurse said iv had an idea what about if i crush it and mix it with nutella im not ment to do this but i wont tell if you dont she said bless herso finally i managed to get the tablets in me. after that we had to meet the chaplin and talk about summer-maes funeral or cremation details we decided on a cremation with not many prayers as neither of us are very religiouse we had to decided what was going to be put on her little white coffin
SUMMER-MAE VACHER
30-09-07
then after having the birth discussed with us which i didnt listen to a word of because i knew i wouldnt go back to the hospital if i new what was coming we finally got to go home for 2 days well me and dan didnt eat didnt sleep we where both in shock the 2 days went so quickly. the night before i was being sick all night because i was so scared the next morning i got up got my hospital bag together my mum and rick come and picked me and dan up in the car then off we went to the hospital me already crying. we get there and the nurse shows us to our private room tucked at the end of a corridor i go in they say to get a gown on so they can give me the tablets to start me of i had my first set of tablets at 9 in morning and had them every 2 hours from then to get things moving it was soo slow luckily dans mum came and visitied with some puzzle books and by about 12 i was getting the early contractions this isnt to bad i thought stupidly a few hours later they where killing me but i kept turning away pain relife because i rembered some advice my sister gave me its bad and you think it the worst then it gets 10 times worst lol thanks donna helpfull lol i wanted to wait till i really couldnt take much more a few hours later i had a pethadine injection along with 11 other injections altogether i couldnt tell you what for because i was high as a kite on pethadine dan and my mum didnt leave my room all day other than dan going for a fag bless him he was smoking like a chimley but being so brave. at 9 that night with a few pushes out came little summer-mae they took her straight of us for cleaning up and to get me sorted then we phoned dans mum and we phoned my step dad to come up about half an hour after they brought little summer-mae in in her outfit i had taken up for her wrapped in a little white basket they gave her to me i was scared to hold her and see her but new i regret it if i didnt she was gorgeouse she had long little fingers just like me and she was pointing at her self lol show off just like her mummy my mum said lol, she looked so peacefull and beautifull after i finished my cuddle you want a cuddle dan i asked he took the baby from me for a hug which was a bit of a surprise but i was so pleased he did summer was given a hug by all her closest relatives and given gifts from them to take with her to heavon. the nurses said we could keep her with us over night if we wanted me and dan both decided we did so once all are guest left me dan and little summer had a big cuddle together and a cry abit later the nurse came round with a camera and said did we want some pictures taken she took some pictures and they where lovely she offered to leave us the camera overnight to take some more but we decided we just wanted to cuddle up with summer-mae untill she had to leave us. an hour later the nurse brought the pictures back there was one with me summer and dan all cuddled together it was lovly i remeber telling dan thats my fave. the nurses all came in and gave baby a hug and told us how beautiful she was lol they didnt need to me i fell in love with her from the moment i saw her. by now me and dan where both shattered so we got into our hospital beds to go to sleep i slept with summer in my arms all night i just couldnt let her go, but the next mroning the nurses came for her and asked if we where ready for her to go so we both bravely told summer-mae we loved her and let her go my mum carried her down so she wasnt alone.then i finally got to go home just as i got back there was a huge bunch of flowers of the side love from willows they said was so lovly and they came just as i needed a pick me up lol, we asked people not to send cards to us because we didnt want to have a good day then get a card threw the post and be back down again. quite a few weeks later it was time for summers cremation we only invited dans mum and dan and my parents because we wanted it to be a little ceremony with only summers closest family there. we go in to the little chapel and they are playing butterfly by mariah carey the song we had choosen it had perfect lyrics
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
we had decided we didnt want lots of flowers because her coffin was so tiny they would cover her so we asked for one white rose per family and me and dan choose a pink rose, we went up and laid out roses on the coffin then took a seat in the chapel, the priest done hes bit said some prayers then read out a little verse specially about our summer then that was it on came the music again by this point everyone was crying we get outside and dans dad gives me a big hug was really sweet and really needed i think everyone else was scared to touch me lol rick goes to get the cards of the flowers and the cd for meand ask about the ashes the priest then comes out and exsplain that summer was to small to have ashes and that i sighned something at the hospital to agree i dont remeber signing anything but i was so high on pethadine i probably wouldnt i was gutted and so was dan we both had planned to let summer-maes ashes go with a balloon like ourr way of sending her to heavon but now we couldnt i was crying and shocked and asked to go home, the next few months have been really hard and we have all been trying to move on but not forget i never want people to stop talking about her and when people ask if i have children ill always say yes summer-mae because angel or not she my perfect little baby.